Whirlpool
by Thephantomprince
Summary: As the main character, everyone expected great things out of Naruto Uzumaki. Being an unkillable trash-talking mercenary with no sense of morals? Not exactly what they had in mind. What the hell happened to him, and how does he have a gun?


**Whirlpool**

 **Chapter 1: What's up, bitches?**

Rou Ishida was practically a stereotype walking. Perhaps not one that would offend most people, as not a lot of people stood up for the social standing of bandits. But that didn't make the reality of his being any less sad.

Rou was rather unlucky, born to a peasant family in the Land of Fire. With a snaggletooth and a perpetual dumb look on his face, the only way he saw to get ahead was brute force and cruelty. Even then, he never had an opportunity to utilize his meager skills.

So when a band of bandits came and torched his family's barn, rather than put up a fight he decided to join up. He took up a sword he barely knew how to use and used it to fight for the people that had killed his family.

And he loved it. He had more power and respect as a bandit than he ever had when he had pitched manure and hauled hay as a farm hand. He had enough money to buy enough money whatever he wanted, but he and his group weren't enough of a threat for those big shot ninja to come after them.

So it was sort of a surprise when suddenly his peaceful life of pillaging and plundering suddenly was torn from his grip.

Rou had taken the early morning patrol, which was more of a hungover early morning walk. The world was reduced to a haze for the most part, only recognizable enough to walk around the camp at a painfully slow pace.

However, when screams of pain started, his mind snapped forward, out of his haze. He unsheathed the sword at his side and charged into the circle of tents that made up his home.

When he made it into the center, where the screams originated from, he came upon a very morbid sight. For a man who had seen his family killed before his eyes, that was saying something.

There wasn't a spare foot of space in the clearing not dedicated to slumped over bodies, all of which sported blank eyes and blossoms of blood. At the center of it was a very striking man. Or rather, a very striking boy.

"Who the fuck are you?" Rou screamed hysterically. The boy turned his head towards him, an orange cloth mask covering his entire head, making it impossible for Rou to read his expression. But he didn't need to, because the boys entire body was shaking with laughter.

A rage filled Rou like nothing else he had never known. He had finally found his place in life and this _child_ had taken that away from him. Rou tightened his grip on his sword and charged…

Only to immediately trip over one of his former friends body. The boy laughed even harder as Rou lost his grip on his sword and tried to get up, only to find no handle on the slick blood of the clearing.

"Oh sweet Jesus you-you're pathetic!" the boy wheezed, doubling up with laughter. Rou grit his teeth in rage at the mocking, and managed to stand up. His opponent didn't even bother taking his sword out of his last victim's body to defend himself. That's exactly what Rou wanted.

With a roar of victory, Rou threw the throwing knife he had palmed with deadly accuracy. The knife sunk deep into the center of the boy's chest. The red that suddenly covered the boy's chest clashed with his orange ensemble.

Rou grinned in victory as he expected the boy to drop like a rock to the ground. Instead, Rou could feel the glare the boy was leveling at him.

"Goddamnit, you asshole, that really hurt. Do you know how painful it is to regenerate a heart? And not in an emotional way, I mean that very literally." Then, with disturbing casualness, the boy pulled the knife out of his chest with a slick popping noise.

Under Rou's disbelieving gaze the thing hole he had made began to knit itself back together, even as the boy toyed with the bloodied knife. "I like this knife." He mused aloud. "I'm gonna keep it." He tucked away the knife into his belt and looked back at the frozen Rou.

"What were we doing again?" He questioned, as if he wasn't talking to someone who had just tried to kill him. Then he snapped his fingers as it came to him. "Oh, right. I forgot, silly me, I'm supposed to kill you. Let's get on with that."

"Nonononononono. FUCK no. What the hell are you?"

The boy shrugged and pulled a katana out of a body. "Don't know don't care." He meandered towards Rou at a jaunty pace, whistling all the while. Rou turned, scooped up his sword, and ran. There was no fighting that-that thing. And while Rou wasn't strong or smart, but he was fast.

Rou ran frantically, hoping that he would be able to disappear into the surrounding forest. But part of him, a part he didn't want to acknowledge, knew that the boy was a mercenary, one who probably wouldn't get paid unless his entire group was taken care of. That included him.

But he still had to try.

"Come on, Bandit-chan, you can't outrun me!" The boy berated loudly from a distance. But it wasn't from behind him, no, the voice came from above.

Rou stopped running and looked up to see a large splotch of orange high in the trees. Rou didn't even have time to gape as the figure suddenly became larger and larger. He could barely move out of the way before the boy slammed into the ground, hard, practically cratering the ground.

"Shit!" The boy screamed, in more frustration than pain. For a moment Rou felt a flicker of victory, that whatever this thing was just slipped and was dying. But then the boy staggered out of his self-made crater, his body twisted into a terrible caricature of a human, blood soaking his orange suit a sick shade of red.

Rou watched in sick fascination as the boy swore like a sailor, all while twisting his body back into proper working order, loud cracks and groans accompanying his bones and muscles healing. It was the most horrifying thing that Rou had ever seen.

His sword trembled in his hand, and it finally occurred to him to run while that thing was distracted with healing. But as he turned to run, the assassin whipped his arm towards Rou and his instincts took over, diving to the ground in anticipation of throwing knives, but nothing sailed overhead.

Rou took a nervous glance back at the assassin, only to find him gripping a slick black piece of metal, a length of polished steel pointed at him, attached to a handle. Rou had no idea what it was. The assassin snapped the rest of his body into shape, keeping the whatever-that-thing-was trained on his position.

"Ah, much better." The boy sighed in relief. He turned his gaze to Rou and shrugged apologetically. "Sorry about this. Bullet wounds can be pretty damn painful, but my sword kind of broke when I fell. Goodbye!"

The fabric moved around the boy's face in a way that Rou knew meant he was smiling. Then, he pulled a trigger on the handle, and a force impacted his chest, suddenly making it hard to breathe.

If Rou hadn't already been on the ground, he would have fallen there from the pain. He began wheezing up mouthfuls of blood, shaking and trying to claw out whatever it was in his chest, only bloodying his body more.

As his struggles became feebler and his vision began darkening, the assassin came into his field of sight. He patted Rou's head with a bloody hand like he was a dog. "Oh, and as for your questions…"

He grabbed the back on his mask and pulled it off slowly, horrifying Rou with each passing moment.

The terrifying monster bore it's fangs at Rou in a mocking imitation of a smile. "I'm an assassin." He bubbled happily. "My name is Whirlpool."

That wasn't exactly what Rou had wanted his last moments to be like. But that's what they were. Staring up at the writhing red mass of skin that made up his killer's grinning face.

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Whirlpool hummed happily to himself as he went about his mundane tasks. His tasks being looting the bodies of all the mercenaries he had killed, as well as using the twisted metal of his sword to take from them proof of their death.

" **This seems unnecessarily crude."** Whirlpool clicked his tongue in irritation.

"Come on, it's not like they're gonna be using this stuff." He whined.

" **Are you talking about all the things you're stealing, or your…trophies?"** Whirlpool paused and thought it over for a moment before shrugging. "Both, I guess. Besides, they have some pretty nice junk."

" _Did he mean that in a gay way?"_

" **I'm sure he didn't."**

" _It would explain a whole lot."_

" **You know it would, but I still don't think so. We could just ask him."**

" _That's kind of boring though…"_

" **Too late, he can hear us after all."**

"Hear what?" Whirlpool questioned. He grinned as he found a roll of exploding tags on one of the apparently wealthy bandits, pocketing it absentmindedly.

" **Wait…you weren't listening?"**

"Nope. Wasn't really interested." He moved onto the next body, humming a catchy tune as he did so.

" **How the hell can you not have heard us? We're in your goddamn head."**

" _OoooooOhhhhh, Fluffy's angryyy."_

Whirlpool joined the jaunty voice in his head in chuckling at Fluffy. "What were you talking about anyway?" He questioned, as humming repetitively was getting boring.

" **Whether or not you're gay."**

" _Yeah, are you?"_

Whirlpool shrugged his shoulders and grabbed a sword off the ground, studying the metal composition. "Hell if I know. Why did you guys think so?" He discarded the sword, sticking it back into the body.

" **Well, you can be rather effeminate at times-"** _"-You are rather concerned with how you look-"_ **"-You gave that one girl relationship advice, remember?-"** _"-Yeah, I remember thinking that was a little fruity-"_

"Hey!" Both the voices shut up, shocked by Whirlpool's oddly serious tone. He continued. "I am ashamed of you two for relying on stereotypes like that in a sophisticated and wholesome story like this. What would your parents think of you?"

" **What the hell are you talking about?"**

" _Yeah, we don't have parents."_

" **I meant about the story thing, Chatter. You really are an idiot."**

" _Ha! You insulted yourself!"_

Whirlpool huffed as Fluffy and Chatter became distracted by their bickering, apparently not absorbing that important life lesson. "Oh well." He muttered. In the space of the next hour he had picked the camp dry of any valuables, taken his proof for his employer, and arranged the bodies to make it look like an orgy that had gotten way out of hand.

He sealed away all of his items into different scrolls and took to the trees, noticing that it was still only early morning. He could still make it back, get his money, and make it home in time for the Ramen Rush!

Fluffy groaned, the sound echoing in the empty space of Whirlpool's head. **"This is going to take a while…"**

" _Yay! Roadtrip!"_

"Nah, I got a trick up my sleeve. Yo, Buttplug! Line break please!"

" **What the hell is a-"**

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"Here we are!" Whirlpool spouted cheerfully. He was standing in front of the entrance of an old, dilapidated building that used to be a warehouse, a full hour before the Ramen Rush.

" _That was awesome! Let's do it again!"_

" **What the fuck was that?"**

Whirlpool rubbed his hands together. "Time to make an entrance…" He muttered, a dark gleam in his eye. He reached into his holster and pulled out his favorite gun.

" **What. The. Fuck. Was. That?"**

Whirlpool quickly fired a round into the hinges on the side of the massive rusted metal door before him, then stowed away his weapon and charged.

"YEEEEHAAAAAAWWWWW!" **"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"**

He slammed into the door with all the strength of his slight adolescent form, barely making a dent in the metal, but successfully knocking it inwards. It landed with a mighty clash, and Whirlpool summersaulted into the middle of the room, springing up and raising his arms victoriously.

"What's up, bitches? Whirlpool is here!" He declared, not waiting for anyone to answer his question. He looked around and found himself at the receiving end of three swords at various vital points, all of which were whipped away in a second.

"Damnit, it's just the kid." Whirlpool shook his head vigorously, projecting sadness and despair. "Just the kid? I thought we had such a solid relationship, Ugly Goon #7." He said mournfully. None of the guards laughed, they just gave him hard looks.

" **WHIRLPOOL TALK YOU LITTLE SHIT!"**

"Alright, alright, fine. I'm sorry." The bodyguards looked shocked for a moment, and then softened. They had always thought the boy was a bit touched in the head but maybe he wasn't so bad…

"A line break happens whenever Screwstick decides he doesn't want to write any dialogue or interesting things, so he just pushes us forward to an interesting scene." Whirlpool explained. The guards all looked at each other.

Maybe he was just screwy after all.

" **You know what? I'm not even gonna try. You're driving me crazy."** Fluffy groused.

" _We're already crazy!"_

"It's good to see you again, Mr. Pool." A new person spoke up and stepped dramatically out of the shadows, his steps clicking against the floor.

It was a man even shorter than Whirlpool himself; dressed in a ridiculously expensive suit that seemed garish even next to the bright orange Whirlpool wore. Despite that, the man still seemed to be able to look down on him disparagingly from behind colored glasses.

Whirlpool waved a hand around dismissively. "Please, Kitty, Mr. Pool is my father's roommate's sister's best friend's girlfriend's name." It was quite an achievement that Kitty managed to suppress most of his twitch upon hearing his nickname and keep up that greasy smile of his.

"Yes, now about your job-"Kitty began.

"Wait a moment, if it was your father's roommate's sister's best friend's _girlfriend's_ name, then why would that be Mr. Pool and not Ms. Pool?" The grunt Whirlpool had made fun of earlier asked, his curiosity apparently overwhelming his self-preservation instinct.

Whirlpool gave the man an impressed look. Not many people could follow his madness like that.

This time Kitty couldn't restrain his twitch. "A thousand yen to whoever kills him." He growled.

Before the other two mercenaries could even process what their boss said, Whirlpool swiveled his wrist, a tiny pistol slipping into his hand, immediately sending a bullet into Ugly Grunt's head, permanently staining his surprised and confused face red.

The other two bodyguards looked at each other and sighed, immediately picking up their comrades dead body and hauling it away into the depths of the warehouse, where more of the bodies of Kitty's enemies lay. Before they disappeared though, Whirlpool took Ugly Grunt's katana, as it was a near replica of the one he had broken. Plus it was shiny.

Kitty cleared his throat as the two men shuffled away, glaring pointedly at Whirlpool, who had begun picking his teeth through his mask. Kitty waved a wad of yen in the boy's face to catch his attention, which Whirlpool pocketed.

"I presume that you managed to take care of those annoyances blocking my roads?" Kitty questioned smoothly, tapping his cane on the floor in irritation.

Whirlpool bobbed his head as he returned his tiny pistol to the compartment in his sleeve.

" **I guess that's why he wanted us to kill them. Those bandits did seem to have an unusual amount of drugs and quality goods."** Fluffy mused.

"Guess so. Hey, weren't you ignoring me?" Whirlpool asked curiously.

" **I am ignoring you. I was talking to myself."**

"I AM you. We are each other. Not even in the 'We are Groot' kind of way, you're just a voice in my head. "

" **Shut up. I don't even understand whatever you're saying. Besides, your employer is speaking."**

Whirlpool returned his meager attention to Kitty, who was stretching a soft chubby hand out towards him expectantly. Whirlpool reached out and grasped the man's pointer finger, moving it up and down in an imitation of a handshake.

Kitty snatched his hand away, and almost looked like he was going to call for the bodyguards, but restrained himself. "Give me the proof." He demanded.

Whirlpool saluted smartly and pulled a scroll out of the waistband of his pants, slapping it into Kitty's hand. The man looked disgusted, but gave Whirlpool a briefcase of cash. He could have just transferred the money to Whirlpool's account, but he had specifically demanded the money in cash, in a briefcase. That's how spies did it.

Whirlpool grinned happily as he hefted the briefcase, testing its weight. Then smelling it. Then licked it a little bit.

" **You could just open it."** Fluffy couldn't help but point out. Whirlpool shook his head and knocked a fist on it, listening to the sound it made and nodding his satisfaction. "Nah, I can't count past ten anyway. Waste of time."

When he was done with his tests Whirlpool opened the briefcase, emptying the yen onto an empty sealing scroll and poofing it away. Whirlpool gave Kitty a salute using only his middle finger, idly wondering why the man seemed frozen with disgust, the scroll still in his hand.

" **Maybe because you pulled it out of the front of your pants and you don't wear underwear?"** Fluffy remarked sarcastically, apparently over his hissy fit earlier.

" _Hehehe, in a way it's kind of like he indirectly touched your-"_

" **If you finish that statement I will hit you with a mallet."**

" _You can't do that!"_ Whirlpool heard a meaty 'thunk' inside his head and Chatter began to whimper.

" **Anymore wiener jokes?"** Fluffy said with forced calm. Despite his pain, Chatter giggled.

" _Hehe…Wiener."_

Whirlpool ignored the arguing voices, stepping outside the warehouse and breathing in a great breath, smelling raw sewing, something that was probably blood, and a lot of cocaine. He grinned. It was ramen time.

"Hey, Fucknut, could you give us a lift?" He asked, focusing his gaze on something no one else could see. He waited for a few moments, but he wasn't suddenly somewhere else. He frowned, and kicked an errant can.

"Damnit…" He sulked. "This is gonna be a long walk." He started trudging out of the port, keeping his mind on the delicious savory reward ahead, idly listening to the voices in his head bicker.

Back in the warehouse, Gato allowed his inefficient calm mask to drop, sneering at the back of the retreating mercenary. If the brat wasn't so useful, and damn near immortal, then Gato would have had him killed a long time ago.

He snapped his finger expectantly, waiting impatiently as his two remaining bodyguards reappeared. He handed off the scroll to the shorter one, deciding not to tell him where it had been stored, and waited expectantly as he unfurled it.

"This looks like a pretty high quality seal. There must be a lot in here." The Short Goon mumbled greedily. Gato made a dismissive gesture, though he was privately interested in where Whirlpool seemed to obtain such expensive equipment. Ninja tools were hard to buy if you weren't a ninja.

"You may keep the scroll, I only have need of the materials inside." He said. He grinned nastily as he thought of the service the crazy mercenary had provided him. He had been paid well, but ninja would have costed three times as much to take care of the group, and they wouldn't have delivered him any of their body parts. Unethical, they said. As if ninjas had honor. They just wanted to appear morally superior so more people would hire them.

Short Goon let out a whoop of joy as Taller Goon grimaced. Short Goon was the only one with more than pathetic amounts of chakra, so only he could open it and he often got the scrolls. Damn lucky bastard…

Short Goon laid out the scroll and let out a pulse of chakra, and Gato impatiently waited for the smoke to clear so he could asses the quality of his new assets. He would be paid quite well if they weren't too mutilated…

When the smoke cleared however, Gato turned a color that was an odd combination of red and green. He expected his henchmen to be as shocked as he was, but their hysterical laughter filled the warehouse.

"D-do you think he took these off while they were still alive?" Short Goon wheezed, wiping tears out of his eyes, almost laughing again when he saw his boss frozen as he was.

"I hope not, that's not anything I would wish on any man." Taller Goon chuckled again, and burst out in laughter again when he saw the pile at their feet. It was stacked almost as high as their waists, and some were falling off the top.

The two only laughed harder when Gato turned and threw up all over the floor, though he was careful to keep it away from the body pieces, as they were still technically valuable, even if Gato didn't want to even look at them.

A pile of heads, organs or limbs he could handle. He might have laughed too if that was the case.

But apparently Whirlpool was sicker than they gave him credit for, as he didn't think the mercenary was cruel enough to meticulously cut off a bunch of guy's dicks and practically gift wrap them for his employer.

Gato turned and threw up again, this time not caring where he got it.

 **What's up everyone, Phantomprince here. This has been a story at the back of my mind for about a year now, and with the somewhat positive response Harry Potter and the Death Note seems to be getting, I decided to go ahead, even if I may have to re-write this later.**

 **As you can see, Naruto is basically Deadpool. He has our loveable's merc's sense of humor, fourth wall breaking and mental instability.**

 **I'll warn you now that I'm not very good at writing humorous things. The world of ninjas is rather serious, especially the one I have planned, so the only really funny things will come from Whirlpool's perspective, as he is batshit insane.**

 **And, because I'm bored, here's the Bingo Book entry for Whirlpool.**

 **Name: Unknown, Codename Whirlpool**

 **Birthdate: Unknown**

 **Gender: Male**

 **Age: Unknown, presumed to be from 12-14**

 **Height: 145 cm**

 **Weight: Unknown**

 **Blood Type: Unknown**

 **Occupation: Mercenary**

 **Affiliation: Anyone who pays him**

 **Ninja Rank: Unknown**

 **Threat Rank: B**

 **Affinities: Unknown**

 **Ninjutsu: 1**

 **Taijutsu: 4**

 **Genjutsu: 1**

 **Intelligence: 1**

 **Strength: 3.5**

 **Speed: 2**

 **Stamina: 5**

 **Hand Seals: 1**

 **Total: 19.5**

 **Techniques/Tools: Odd unpredictable Taijutsu style, seals to hold weapons, swords, knives, and an unnamed long distance projectile weapon.**

 **Notes: Shows signs of instability, is extremely ruthless. Very talkative.**


End file.
